Hi, I’m E. I’m a Miss to some, and Milady to others. I hope you enjoy my blog.
If you’re new here, you should know that this blog contains BDSM, kink, poly and gender explorations, and explicit Sadiomasochistic content. All sex and kink acts depicted are between enthusiastically consenting adults.
A message/question inspired some analytical assessment of how we handle this issue. In general, I say I control the finances. But to be entirely accurate, I have chosen to be AWARE of the finances and my boy has graciously bowed out after much discussion and an established relationship of trust. Keep in mind that this had been hammered out over at least a couple of years, that we live together, and that I am open to reassessments periodically.
Being aware of the finances means:
- We have YNAB, and all of our account totals are on it. Absolute transparency.
- Review the bank account (separate) a few times a week.
- Ensure that bills are paid by sending out checks/E Bill pay
- Make YNAB mirror the bank account and vice versa
- Inform him of his remaining discretionary balance
We both sat down and communicated about who would pay what. The factors that caused us to make one decision or another are these details:
- who makes more income
- who is trying to reduce debt to improve our financial future
- what keeps things simplest
- what makes us comfortable
Most of our relationship, I have made more income, except for the span of about 6 months during some carefully planned unemployment. I don’t want him to have any say/feelings/implied preferences about my discretionary income or how often we dine out. Not that he would have a say, because it’s MY money. However, discussions about finances have led me to believe that, in general, he is of the opinion that I spend too much in this area. To short circuit the entire impression of judgement, I pay for it all. So, all dining out expenses, every penny, I pay for out of MY discretionary income. This means, also, that I’m always paying for his dinner. This also gives me a sort of… “Sugar Mama” feeling in that my money can give him the small pleasures of a bigger income, something he’s never had, and I enjoy doing this and get an inner happiness about spoiling him in this way.
I currently pay for the groceries, but he has had this task in the past. We have discussed and have an actual goal on this number.
I pay the mortgage and he pays Utilities. This leaves him open to pouring his financial attention into getting out of School Loan debt. His brothers and Mother, our roommates, also pays their share.
If I see an imbalance like… He is technically coming out negative. I inform him. I tell him why he’s negative (i.e. you purchased books for college.) And then he can change his spending habits for the remainder of the month.
I also sometimes, understanding the full breath of details before me, realize that sometimes he pays for too much considering his income. His coming out negative is not always because he bought too much soda. It may be that I’m not applying my income to areas that really should be more my responsibility. Not only do I want to be his “Sugar Mama” I also don’t want him to have the status, “I’m broke,” flashing across his brain every time he wants something when I’m not around.
I know we have had very different thoughts on financial matters, and I’ve done what I want to anyways. Like, I wanted a new mattress/bed set. He said the futon from good will seemed acceptable. Then I threw my back out on it. It was no longer a debate at that point, but it was a debate. Hahaha… He just debates so well, it’s very rare I do the complete opposite of what he puts forth so logically.
We have debated endlessly on large purchases such as the bed, above. And I prefer this level of involvement and would not want otherwise.
He is more naturally frugal than I am, so I do do ask his opinion a lot. Now, this is not to say that if I then decide to do it my own way, that I would have deferred to his “vote” for the sake of his expertise alone. Although I have made what I consider to be expensive purchases out of my discretionary funds sans any real debate, because he has no say about what I do with that portion of my income.There are things such as my overall restriction on his alcohol and caffeine consumption that have a direct effect on what happens with his discretionary income. But that’s an indirect relationship with our finances.
It seems, then, that our finances may not really be too involved in our dynamic, D/s or otherwise. Except that my boy trusts me to keep him informed and that I otherwise “take care of it.” I feel that there is a “mine,” an “ours,” and a “his.” I take care of “ours”; he has a say if “ours” is applied to large purchases…. He has no say in “mine” and I do have some say about “his” but generally choose not to have direct control of it.
I’d like to add:
I’ve always had a “Sugar Mama” mentality. Vanilla men took heavy advantage of it, to the point of, in one instance, getting angry that I didn’t pay for his Taco Bell meal. Yeah. Taco Bell, the McDonalds of Mexican food. I ordered, paid for my portion, and went to the table. He then ripped me a new one after joining me.
Hence, I prefer both parties to be proactively aware of my Sugar Mama qualities as opposed to being actively subjective about it. It’s not an expectation between my boy and I that I will do these things, and he adores me avidly because I do. So, unlike relationships of prior, I get something emotional back. It’s addictive.
My boy sometimes buys me dinner/presents/coffee out of his discretionary funds. I actually lean towards the side of discouraging such actions. I’ve kept an Excel sheet for years and YNAB now keeps track.
BACK WHEN I WAS INSANELY LIVING VANILLA
1. In a live in relationship, there was not that much communication, my partner would go into the negative, not bother remedying the situation even after I mentioned it, and owed me near $2k before the dissolution of that relationship.
2. Before that, a guy didn’t want to dine out if he’d be the one paying for it. Even on special occasions. He’d go to his cupboard and start asking if I wanted anything out of his can collection.
3. Before that, I had a guy let me pay for everything for a year, before I realized my CC’s were wracked up and I just plain didn’t want to give anymore when I got nothingemotionally out of it. Our relationship stagnated, because without my doling out the money for entertainment, we had nothing to do “together.”
So, this has led me to be quite particular about who does what and what makes me feel emotionally comfortable.
In conclusion, I feel very strongly about how money should be handled by both parties of a relationship. I am not of the opinion that the Dominant person control everything of the submissive person on this matter.
M.E.
Deviantly Vegan 