Hi, I’m E. I’m a Miss to some, and Milady to others. I hope you enjoy my blog.
If you’re new here, you should know that this blog contains BDSM, kink, poly and gender explorations, and explicit Sadiomasochistic content. All sex and kink acts depicted are between enthusiastically consenting adults.
I had a wonderful weekend. I felt loved. I felt happy. I felt like I had all the time in the world, and two wonderful men in my life. Perhaps even a third.
It was followed by a not so great week and Thursday, Friday, and most of Saturday was just pretty darn awful. M, the man I call my second husband, was having doubts. And rather than talk to me, he shut me out for near three days. It was pretty excruciating. I’d feel numb, anxious, grieving, and then hopeful, before I started the cycle again. My husband C., listened to my tearful worries, and comforted me as only he knows how.
We had argued about a decision regarding M’s family. We disagreed on the choice of action. I expressed my emotions, but didn’t actually plan on ordering him to do otherwise, as rationally, I agreed that what he was doing was reasonable. I just don’t like changes of plans. And then radio silence.
On Saturday, M came to visit and we discussed his doubts. I had some concerns as well. We had postponed a collaring because of his issues with poly over a month ago, but he’d stated frequently that he was fine over Poly over that time. So, I wasn’t sure of what the hold up was. I was waiting for him to ask to become my beloved property; and he hadn’t done so.His doubts were whether he was Vegan enough, Submissive enough, whether I would keep him from important family things. I let him read the contract of mutual D/s commitment. After the discussions came to their conclusion, I said we should take another month to consider each other; if all is well, I hope the question will be forthcoming on his part, and if so, he can put in a transfer for his moving here to become part of our family permanently. The peaks and valleys of any relationship.
On the front of the third gentleman, I am so back and forth on him. When we’re together, we have a good time. But when we’re apart, that’s the trouble. Especially when I’m too busy myself to attempt a connection. Timing was off this last weekend in that I was very busy and dealing with M, and as a result, gave very very little attention to maintaining a connection via text message with A. But it wasn’t just time; I was emotionally strapped and didn’t have any extra to give to anybody who wasn’t in my face. ha! I would have hoped that A would know I wasn’t intentionally ignoring him and that I was dealing with a heavy work schedule and high emotions with M, but he doesn’t seem to have understood and forgiven me on the matter as of our last conversation where he accused me of rebuffing his affections. It boggles me, because I am very afectionate and frequently stating a desire to see him more often. I have also expressed a desire on his part to reciprocate text affection and conversation. Again; poor timing. He does as I asked but at a temporarily complicated time and he then feels his efforts were for nothing.
It doesn’t help that our affection styles and needs seem to be different. I want more, he’s satisfied. I want lots of verbal back and forth flirting, and he thinks he’s good if he throws out a compliment sporadically. He showers me with physical affection when I’m with him, which is assuring and pleases me, but I don’t get that but once a week. His pessimism also really bothers me. And whether he was just tipsy, or just plain drunk, he made some poor comment choices. I worked hard to get where I was; was even in a pretty bad depression when I was temporarily unemployed while studying for a new professional licence. I guess I just feel like his motivation is similar to a floundering fish. He lies there breathing for a while, jumps to attempt a change, but remains unsuccessful and just goes back to breathing. Sigh. I feel that I am losing respect for him. Pessimism is bad enough, but lack of motivation and drive to attempt a positive change kills romantic chances. Coupled with an unintentional insult on his part, and this situation may crash. Not everyone I date will be with me forever, and I suppose I have to wrap my mind around the concept.
Prior to A, I’d always decided by date three if I liked a person enough to bother. So it’s new, for me, to have gotten this far and decide that maybe we’re not suited for each other.
M.E.
Deviantly Vegan 